Letter Tuesdays

One of my New Year's resolutions is always to write more letters. Not email. Letters. Ink on paper, paper in envelope, stamp on envelope – to the USPS! I love getting mail. Again – real mail, not email. Don't get me wrong, I love a good email – especially one with a great story in it – but there is nothing like walking down the driveway, opening the mailbox and finding a pretty envelope with my name handwritten on the front. I love it! It is so exciting. My mom and my friend Megan are the only people who will occasionally just send me a card or note for no reason. I'm just as guilty; I rarely send anyone else a letter for no reason. I will send my grandmother something occasionally, but I don't do that enough. 

The art of the handwritten letter is all but lost. Texting is killing decent communication. The US Postal Service is tanking and keeps toying with this idea (as well as my emotions) of discontinuing Saturday delivery (hate). This madness has to stop. 

I have decided to implement "Letter Tuesdays." I am going to write a "letter" to someone every Tuesday. I'm using the term "letter" rather loosely because it might be a note card with a couple sentences – after all, I have a kid, a messy house, a blind chihuahua, two needy cats, and no clean underwear. This might not be thought-provoking prose, but there will be an envelope dropped in the mailbox every Wednesday. Yes, there are a million other things I could, and maybe should, be doing (aforementioned laundry and messy house) but on Tuesdays, this is going to happen. 

To whom will I write all these letters, you may ask? Well, I will certainly step up my game with my grandmother. And I'm sure I will send my parents some letters. Who else wants a letter? Seriously…do you get what I am asking? I'm asking you if you want me to send you a letter. Do you want to walk down to your mailbox after a shitty day at work and find a bright yellow envelope, open it up and see a cute ladybug on a daisy with a kitten sitting under it (or some such eight-pack-of-blank-card illustration) – inside, a handwritten note from me? I will add you to my list - just say the word! 

Scorpions On A Plane: Sequel to Snakes On A Plane?

I have another doozie of a work trip to share. You may remember my January Chicago trip two years ago, and I would say this is on par. I had a conference to attend in Chicago (again with damn Chicago. I'm starting to really hate that city.) on Monday and Tuesday. I should have left Sunday, but Sunday was Christopher's first Father's Day and I thought it would be nice to spend the day with him and Elle. 

So I took the first flight out of Greensboro on Monday morning – which was at 5:25 am. Ick. I had to get up at 3 am. I got to Chicago without incident (which is noteworthy because as it turned out, I was unknowingly and accidentally traveling with a large pair of office scissors. In my carryon. Oops.) and had my meetings on Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon I got to the airport and checked in. My tickets printed out and I thought it was odd that my ticket stated Charlotte before Chicago… 

…but I was like, whateves. Then I looked at my other ticket and that said Chicago and then Charlotte. 

And then I was like, DAMN. 

So I go to my gate and wait in line for one hour to talk to the gate agent. She tells me that this is not a "switch flight" kind of situation and I have to talk to my travel agent because she will have to buy a whole new ticket. Great. I call her. And don't you know, she answers the phone and immediately asks if I can hold. I stupidly and automatically say, "yes" like I am getting ready to order a pizza or something – and not like my flight is getting ready to board in 10 minutes and, as of now, I am scheduled to fly from Chicago to Charlotte and then immediately back to Chicago. 

Meanwhile, I am talking to the agent again, asking her if there is any way I can get my zone bumped up to NOT Zone 5, so that I can get my carryon actually on the plane and not "checked to your final destination," because, if you will remember, my final destination is currently Chicago. She says it won't be checked to the final destination and that I shouldn't worry about it. THEN, a flight attendant comes hustling up the ramp from the plane we are getting ready to board and shows the gate agent a picture on her cell phone and is like, "What do we do about cleanup for this??? I've never had anything like this happen before… It bit someone and the paramedics are on their way." Then she shows her a picture on her cell phone. And then she's like, "It's dead – we killed it." And it's a scorpion. And I'm like, "Aaaaaaaaaawe, hellllllllllllllllls no!" And then she's like, "It was in 13A." And I look at my ticket and I'm in 11B. What if that thing was traveling with friends?!?! The flight is delayed a bit, but not as long as you would expect or hope for after a scorpion has just attacked someone on a plane. I want them to fumigate that thing before I get on it. 

I finally talk to my travel agent and she asks, "Well, didn't you check your flights when I sent them to you?" Uh – yeah. I checked that I was flying out of Greensboro and to Chicago. I checked that I was flying in on Monday and back on Tuesday. I looked at the times to make sure I could fit all my meetings in. And I EVEN looked at how much time I had between flights. But no, I guess I didn't check to see that she was sending me all the way home and not seven-eighths of the way home and then back to where I started. If I was booking this shit through Travelocity, that wouldn't even have been an option. You would think an error message would have come up stating, "Are you sure you want to turn around and go back?" So, after a reminder of how important it was to check my flights carefully, she said not to worry about it and she would fix it. (She also told me to not get back on the flight to Chicago when I got to Charlotte. Uuh, yeah. I think I got that.) 

We finally start to board the scorpion plane and guess what? They want to check my bag to my final destination. Which according to my ticket is exactly where I am currently standing. Since I had talked to the agent previously, she was like, "Charlotte, right?" And I was like, "Yes, please." And then I was like, "Crap, no. I have a flight to Greensboro." So she sends it to Greensboro. 

I get on the plane. After I sit down, my feet don't touch the floor. I keep them propped on my computer bag. Silly, right? Like that's going to keep the scorpion from getting to me. Additionally, I remembered learning at some point that one extreme color of scorpion was deadly and the other extreme was not – like black was and a light color wasn't, or vice-versa. I couldn't remember which way it was, so I kept thinking, "please if a scorpion has to sting me, please, please, please let it be a really solid, medium brown color…please." (Research after I got home revealed that my memory was completely off and there are a variety of highly venomous colors, though luckily you would be hard-pressed to be killed by one. But even so…)

So we get to Charlotte (luckily I was traveling with work pals, Jimmy and John) and the Greensboro flight was delayed from 8:25 to 10:30. Additionally I notice I don't have a seat number my newly acquired Greensboro ticket, so I go to the counter to make sure I am on the flight. The flight was overbooked and I am on standby. Yup. On standby for an overbooked flight that is leaving at 10:30 pm. I don't feel great about this. Jimmy and I talk it through and decide to ditch the Greensboro flight and go rent a car. (Incidentally, as it turns out, there was actually an open flight to Greensboro at roughly the same time. I'm not sure what made the sold out flight a more appealing option to book…)

Jimmy and I (we mistakenly thought John had already made it to Greensboro because he was not on our first flight) leave the terminals and head down to the car rental counters where…Hertz, our [company] preferred rental company is out of cars. And so is Enterprise. And so is Alamo. And so is Budget. And so is the company I have never heard of – Aloha Fun Rental Cars, or some such nonsense. Even Avis, who apparently tries harder (psh) was out of cars. There were literally – the literal use of literally – no cars to be rented. None. So we went back through security. Jimmy had to throw away his just purchased coffee. And get a good groping from TSA. 

I'm back through security. Jimmy has a hand in his crotch. I get a text from John. His plane just landed in Charlotte. He's confused because he got a call that our flight to Greensboro was canceled…but that couldn't be right, right? Silly John. Of COURSE it could be right. Double check. Yup – canceled. 

We found the customer service line. Judging by the length of the line, it seems many, many flights were canceled. We start making phone calls and John is lucky enough to get on that aforementioned open flight to Greensboro. Jimmy and I are stuck in Charlotte. We are SO CLOSE to home, yet so far away. I start calling car services. Much like the rental cars, they have nothing available. Good grief. 

We grab dinner and book the first available flight in the morning which is 7:50 and start to call hotels. I'm sure it will not come as a huge surprise to you that all the hotels near the airport were sold out. Jimmy found a Residence Inn, which stated it was 11 miles away from the airport so we grabbed two of their remaining six rooms, paid our bill and then stood in line for an hour to try and figure out where our luggage was (we received several conflicting reports). Jimmy's bag was there but they wouldn't give it to him. They had no record of mine. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "sometimes they just don't scan it before they put it on the plane." I'm sorry, what? Simple as that, eh? Sometimes they scan it and sometimes they don't? I mean that seems like a shit policy to you guys too, right? Scan all of them. Not just some of them. All the bags. All the time. I think that should be on a poster somewhere in the US Air baggage break room. A big picture of a suitcase, inset image of the luggage tag with the red scanny line over the barcode. Above the suitcase it reads, "LUGGAGE: SCAN IT," below the suitcase it reads, "All the bags, all the time." Maybe I should draft that up for them. 

We grab a cab and head to the hotel. After a while, I'm like, "So, we've been in this car forever, right?" We google the directions to the hotel from the airport. 22 miles. Funsies. By the time we get there it's midnight. The cab driver recommends we leave at 5 am to get to the airport on time. I recommend we get another recommendation. The lady at the front desk recommends we leave at 5 am to get to the airport on time. Damn it. 

In an odd turn of events it took me a really long time to fall asleep. And by a really long time, I mean about 15-20 minutes rather than the 2.4 seconds I thought it would take. For 15-20 minutes, I mentally catalogued the contents of my suitcase and ranked what I would miss the most:

1. Underwear (this was less of a "miss the most" and more of a "some creep is going to buy my suitcase at auction and then own my underwear.")
2. Underwear bag (my friend Jamie got me the neatest "Wear Me / Wash Me" underwear bag – it's got two zippered sides – one for clean, "Wear Me" and one for dirty, "Wash Me." I love this thing and I have never seen another like it. I would miss it.)
3. The case to my glasses. They fit perfectly in it and it shuts with a perfect clap. Not too loud, but a good, solid "I'm closed." Additionally, the case was the same brand as my glasses. I don't like to mis-match brands like that. 
4. My makeup – probably a good $350 worth of makeup and brushes
5. My favorite zip-up, which was a gift from our ad agency (it's green and has "CMYK" on the back with the CMYK values of the color of the zip-up
6. The only jeans that fit me well 
7. My new, expensive bra. Okay – so it's more emotionally expensive than cash-expensive. I hate bra shopping and I didn't want to have to replace it. 
8. My "tarp crew" t-shirt from the Bulls 
9. My makeup bag and toiletry bag
10. My favorite yoga pants (these would have ranked higher but the crotch seams were starting to wear thin)
11. My curling iron (Jen – if you are reading, it wasn't THE curling iron.)
12. My glittery shoes (these also would have ranked higher, but I love them so much, I had already ordered a replacement pair for when those wore out) 
13. My actual suitcase
14. My "liquids" (I had a $25 lip gloss in there and new lotion)
15. My white tank top, which I had already painstakingly cut the shelf bra out of 
16. My travel rollers 
17. My white capris 
18. My black t-shirt 
19. My black capris
20. My Ann Taylor Loft striped cardigan (that cardigan was crap – it was already picked after one wear)
21. My Ann Taylor Loft white satin tank top (that tank top was crap – it was already picked after one wear)
22. The other stuff in my toiletry bag – toothbrush, hair bands, contact case, etc.
23. NOT my company polos. US Air was actually saving me a trip to Goodwill on that loss. 

At 4:45 I met Jimmy in the lobby and we got back in a cab. Jimmy called the 444-4444 cab. It was my most favorite cab ever. 

We got to the airport and checked in. I printed my ticket and printed a receipt. You may or may not be surprised to learn that my flight from Charlotte to Greensboro was $800. I mean, I'm pretty sure I could have paid Clay Aiken to piggy back me while he hopscotched to Greensboro for that amount of money, but whatever. I was thirsty x100 and gulped down an iced coffee and massive bottle of water. 

And so as not to end on a bad note, there were some REALLY awesome people who were not only like, "Eeesh – sorry to hear that," but offered to help! Buddies Ouida, Brianna, Jaclyn and Amy all offered to come pick me up (which is completely and totally out of their way and a huge pain in the ass and would have been completely inappropriate of me to accept), and a coworker with whom I'm not even particularly close called my cell and was like, "Hey Ginger, this is John. I saw on Facebook you are a bit stranded in Charlotte. My flight from [insert place I forgot here] was canceled so I had to rent a car and I'm driving up to DC. I'll probably be hitting Charlotte in about two hours if you want me to pick you up. I can drop you off in Winston." That was awesome. 

Also, I started and finished "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)," which was awesome 

…but maybe we don't take marriage advice from Mindy Kaling…

Oh, yeah! AND - I got my luggage!!! How lucky was that?!?!

Feedback Form to Time Warner Cable

I have so many things that I would like to blog about. At the top of my list is a recap from our recent trip to the beach for Christopher's FIRST MARATHON! Team Timmons blogged about it...twice! and I need to as well. Instead, I spent my evening after work today writing to Time Warner Cable. To make it worth it and compensate for the lost blog post, I am sharing my feedback submission with you below. This is pasted directly from their feedback form with only one change - I censored what we pay for cable because, quite frankly, it's a little embarrassing. So without further ado, I bring you my feedback: 

I got a phone call this morning from TWC. I didn't catch the woman's name but she was trying to sell the signature package. She didn't ask if I was interested but just jumped in and explained it. She was nice enough and thorough in her explanation. She got to the end of her pitch and told me we were paying $XXX before tax and this signature package would be $XXX before tax. Then asked me if I wanted to switch over. 

Here's some background on my household. I don't care that much about TV. There are a few shows that I enjoy watching but I could do without them or catch them on Hulu. If I could choose my dream cable package it would be the network stations, whatever channel Breaking Bad comes on, maybe HBO & Showtime, and DVR. So, like, seven? eight? channels. My husband is the one that likes TV and we actually JUST had a conversation (which my husband started) about maybe cutting back on the cable. We use the internet - we don't have any problems with our current service. We have a phone - it rings - I typically don't answer it. I never pay attention to our answering machine and, to date, I have not been burned by that. Additionally, I think it's basically stupid to sign up for something over the phone that you have not researched. It's all "It's only another five dollars" NOW - but then it goes up $20 in two months -- but nobody would mention that over the phone! That would be silly! People wouldn't sign up. And people don't think to ask questions like that. "Five dollars? Sounds good! Sign me up!" 

So - back to the story from this morning. $XXX to $XXX (before taxes, mind you). She asks me if I want to upgrade. First - are you effing kidding me?!?!? We pay THAT MUCH? EVERY MONTH??? That's our problem - not her's, so I don't even address that with her. I thank her for explaining this and tell her that I really don't pay much attention to our cable package - that my husband is the one that really likes the TV, and I asked if it would be okay if I just tell him about our conversation and have him give TWC a call if he is interested. She literally - the literal use of "literally" - laughed at me. And not just a brief chuckle. A good 10-second hearty guffaw. Then was silent for a moment. And then asked, as if I was a moron, "Well, what is it? Is it just the five dollars? I mean - you're basically paying for it anyway." 

Excuse me? 

Let me tell you one of the things I hate most about myself. It's that I let people throw me off guard too much and that I err on the side of caution and polite (except when it comes to written correspondence to customer service, obviously). I was trying to be polite. Because really, the two options we were dealing with this morning were "hells no" and "let me see if my husband is interested." "Yes" was not in any way on the table. Please refer back to "I don't care about TV" and "Five dollars now, $20 in two months." 

Seriously, when would it EVER be appropriate to laugh at, and essentially make fun of, one of your customers? 

P.S. Your dropdown menu above includes Kudos, Suggestions, Programming, Products and Services, Channel Requests, and TWC Websites. In order to make this feedback form true and relevant, here is my "suggestion": Everyone I know has used TWC at some point. I see my friends, and even strangers, routinely talk about TWC on social media. You need a "Complaints" option. And the fact that it defaults to "Kudos" is cute. Oh, and let's not forget this suggestion - DON'T LAUGH AT YOUR CUSTOMERS.

I Grew A Human

So I grew a human – Lady Baby DMX – and she is finally on the outside! She’s been on the outside for quite some time now, but I haven’t had much time to write about it. Now that she is on the outside, we are calling her Eleanor, or Elle for short, and I super like her a lot.

Elle was actually born on our fourth wedding anniversary (as well as on our friend Avery’s birthday…and our friend Hailey’s birthday…and our friend Delaney’s birthday)! What are the chances?? It seems there is some magnetic force field around November 1^st in our group of friends. 

Growing a human was tough but getting the human out was re-damn-diculous. I won’t go through the whole “birth story” because I don’t think you care, but here are the highlights:

• I was induced. Don’t ask why. I don’t know. The doctor offered and I said hells-to-the-yes. She was measuring a little big and I think that had something to do with it. Or maybe the doctor could just see it in my eyes. I was totally uncomfortable and ready to get the show on the road.
• Once they started the Pitocin, it took right around 12 hours for her to make her appearance – two of those 12 hours were pushing. Pushing is hard work, yo.
• I said yes to Morphine and I’m not ashamed of it.
• Morphine doesn’t work for everyone. I seem to be one of those people.
• I said yes to that epidural pretty quickly and I’m not ashamed of it.
• Epidurals don’t help back labor.
• I had back labor.
• Back labor may or may not make you sob uncontrollably and insist that you can’t do it anymore. Christopher tried to be helpful and tell me I could do it, but when you are in that much pain and *maybe* sobbing uncontrollably, those kind words just seem ridiculous and may or may not just make you mad.
• Christopher and I agreed that he would stand at waist level or behind the whole time. About 10-15 minutes into pushing he was checking everything out and watched for the duration. In fact, he stood so close that he got splashed with baby juice when she FINALLY came out. (Unless that’s TMI and gross to you. In which case – What baby juice??? I would never share such information. I don’t know what you are talking about.) (Also, that’s what happens when you go off plan!) If I wasn’t in so much pain I probably would have found it a little more funny.
• Eleanor Ireland (Eleanor after Eleanor Roosevelt and Ireland because we liked the name) was born at 10:27pm, weighed 8lbs. 12oz., and was 20.5 inches long. It took me about five minutes to become completely smitten with her. 

Christopher and I have been spending some time wondering if Elle is cute. WE think she is cute…but she’s ours. Our parents think she’s cute (in fact, INSIST that she's cute), but they are biased as well - perhaps even more so than we are (after all, we are open to the theory that she might not be cute). Our friends *tell* us she is cute but nobody is going to tell us our baby isn’t cute…so how do we know?!?! Dudes, not all babies are cute. We all know it. And the parents of ugly babies still think their babies are cute. You know what I'm talking about. 

Things I have learned:

• Not all Pampers are created equal.
• Breastfeeding is also re-damn-diculous. I don’t know how animals in the wild survive. In fact, I may go so far as to say that I think the emotional and psychological damage it inflicts on the mother may be greater than the health benefit to the baby. Take that, Le Leche League.
• Fisher Price thinks this is called the “Rock and Play” but it’s actually called “the best $65 the Nixons have ever spent.”

• The baby startle reflex, also known as the moro reflex, is AWESOME!!!
• I am oddly compelled to taste everything that she has to taste so…berry flavored gas drops are surprisingly pleasant, orange flavored Diflucan isn’t great but it’s okay, Gripe Water is offensive, pacifier wipes don’t really taste like anything – unless you taste the actual wipe and then it feels weird on your tongue.
• Jaundice lights might be cute but they are a pain in the rear.

Eleanor…

attended her first 5k on Thanksgiving and watched Daddy cross the finish line at the Turkey Strut in Winston.

picked out her first Christmas tree at the Farmer’s Market.

had a special beer brewed in her honor WITH special label.

met her great grandmother 

and of course her grandparents

and Aunt Bethany and Uncle Keith

has spent some quality time meeting the animals...

Buster Cat Nixon, 

Miss. Tuesday, 

and Leroy!

attended her first half marathon and watched Daddy cross the finish line at the Mistletoe Half Marathon in Winston.

got her first pair of Christmas pajamas.

opened her first Christmas presents. 

got dressed up for Christmas Eve Mass at St. Leo’s 

and P.S. had a cute ruffled bum. 

At Christmas dinner the other day, Uncle Keith asked, "So, uhm...I've been meaning to ask, but wasn't really sure how...uh - you have been taking REAL pictures of her as well, right? Not just Instagram pictures, right? I mean - you don't want her to grow up and ask, 'You had really nice, 8 mega-pixel cameras. Why does everything look like crap taken in the 70's?'" Hahaha! Yes - we are taking "real" pictures too but Instagram is FUN! 

Soooo...I'm sure I'm forgetting lots of stuff, but that stuff will just serve for more blog fodder later on. 

Welcome, Eleanor! We are so glad you are here! 

UPDATE: Jimmy John’s Hates Unborn Babies AND Beautiful, Exotic Animals; Loves Mitt Romney

Wow guys. Just when I thought the Jimmy John’s sitch couldn’t get any worse…it did. Damn it. After posting the original “Jimmy John’s Hates Unborn Babies” blog post, I decided to do a little research. (Okay, okay. I was looking for other articles or posts in which I could share my blog post.) Anyway. I came across some very disturbing pictures of ol’ Jimmy John.

You all know how I pink puffy heart animals – of all kinds – as long as they have less than eight legs. Correction: as long as they have less than seven legs (after all – a seven-legged animal is just a spider that barely got away). You might think that with my love of animals I would HATE hunting. This is not true at all! I mean – I will never hunt. Ever. I would die inside. But I don’t think any less of other people for hunting. (As long as they use the meat they hunt.) In fact…when I really start to think about it – I probably like hunting more than grocery shopping. I shop at Whole Foods so I can buy “happy dead animals.” They totally get me with their “animal wellness rating.” I will TOTALLY spend $2 more per pound on the same damn meat if the animal was one number happier before it died. Marketing scam, you say? I don’t know. Maybe. I have done some research on it and I think it could be legit and it makes me feel better about me – so let me have it.

Anyway – back to the whole hunting thing. If I could think of the best way for my meat to die before I eat it, it would be roaming around in its happy natural habitat and then BAM! They don’t even know what hit them before they become dinner. It’s total sadsies, but so is the 85/15 ground beef you just bought at the grocery store.

So there you have it. I’m cool with hunting. I kind of hate the pictures I have seen of people standing over/sitting on their big catch or grasping antlers with a huge smile on their face. That seems a little perverse. And I don’t want you to share the deconstruction process with me on facebook. PLEASE do not do that shit. That’s just gross. But other than that…? I’m cool with hunting…within reason.

So - while learning a bit more about Jimmy John’s I came across these pictures. O.M.G. They took my breath away. He killed not one, but two elephants, a beautiful jaguar and a massive bear. (Also, from these pictures, I see that he gets his sandwiches with extra mayo.) And that’s just what’s shown on this site. I didn’t even think it was legal to hunt elephants! Killing these beautiful, exotic animals did him no good. He can’t use that meat. Perhaps local villagers will use it?? I don’t know. Perhaps. Regardless, I find shelling out probably thousands of dollars for the “fun” of killing something so beautiful to be sick. And where’s the “sport” in killing an elephant? A five year old could do that. It’s a MASSIVE beast that can’t move all that fast (much like Jimmy John, himself). 

Unsure about elephants? You have GOT to check out this report from Chelsea Clinton that was just on NBC Nightly News: Giving a Second Chance to Orphaned Elephants (grab tissues for 1:20 when I'm preeeetty sure that baby elephant kisses his dead mother). 

And on to the next topic…I’m sliding a wee bit into the political, which I don’t like to do. Too much of a touchy subject, but I’m going to go light on it (much like Jimmy John should do with the mayo).

I also learned that Jimmy John is a huge Mitt Romney supporter. Do with that what you will. I know plenty of people that plan to vote for him and that is super fantastic! That’s what America is about – vote for the person you find to be the best candidate. I will say though - most of the people I know voting for Mitt Romney are doing so simply because of that – they find him to be the best candidate. That is to say, better than the other candidate. I honestly didn’t think there were that many people out there all, “Daaaaaaymn! That Mitt Romney is the BOMB!” But I guess that’s how Jimmy John feels because he supports him monetarily and sandwichly.

Jimmy John's provides sandwiches for Mitt Romney’s staff while they are on the campaign trail. Think about this – Mitt Romney’s wife has spent approximately 200 weeks of her life NOT being able to eat Jimmy John’s (you know – had Jimmy John’s been around when she was preggers). That’s almost two years. What do you think about that, Mitt Romney? 

Oh, for crying out loud! While trying to find out how many daughters-in-law Mitt Romney has (so I could guesstimate how many months between them they wouldn't be able to eat Jimmy John's) I came across these pictures of his son and daughter-in-law dressed as Todd and Sarah Palin. I just need to close the computer before it gets worse. 

Turn That Frown Upside Down

So I looked through my past several blogs and I have pretty much been complaining about stuff. Sadsies. Why didn't any of you say anything? I swear I haven't been walking around for the past several months totally pissed off. Anyway - time for some HAPPY stuff! 

First, Lindsey sent me this awesome video the other day. 



Leroy totally wants a tortoise now. No. A sea turtle. To live in our pool... Yes, our pool! Oh, Christopher! 

And we can't forget about Lady Baby DMX! She's pretty darn cool, right? We haven't done too much to her room yet, but we did paint and put a crib together. 

(cute!)

And I've still been taking pictures for Project Pearl! Project Pearl has been doing fantastic! They were just voted #1 2012 Readers' Choice Nonprofit by the Winston Salem Journal AND adoptions have been up 30%! How neat is that?!? Here are some of my fave pictures that I have taken (not necessarily favorite animals, but favorite pictures...there are too many favorite animals!).

(joey actually lives with my friend and coworker, john, now!)

So there you go - a few more happy things. But if for some reason you liked the complaining, let me know. I'm sure I can think of something else that has annoyed me over the past week or two. ;-) 

Jimmy John's Hates Unborn Babies

What’s that, you say? Who hates unborn babies, you say?? Jimmy John’s. #fact

You guys know how much I love JJ’s. I was distraught when they stopped allowing you to get peppers on the side. I tried to come up with a reasonable solution (though nobody ever took notice). I wrote a whole two part series comparing their delivery guy to Super Man and the follow up, trying to get Ouida to lift her JJ’s ban (PS – Ouida – ban away now, if you would like.) Anyway – my point is that I love them and I think they have the best sandwich on earth. Except that now I hate them and think they have the best sandwich on earth.

On my very first OB visit, when Lady Baby DMX was just a wee mouse-looking bean on the ultrasound, I said to the nurse, and then a few minutes later the doctor, “I LOVE Jimmy John’s, but I’m not supposed to eat lunch meat…right? Even though I love Jimmy John’s?” No unheated lunch meat.

Fast forward to this past Saturday when Christopher and I decided to stop at Jimmy John’s (the one on Hanes Mall Blvd.) on the way home from Durham. We were going to bring the sandwiches home and I had a plan. It was a plan that had been in the works for a while and I was actually going to act on it tonight! I was so excited. But it was foiled. When I got home I submitted the following complaint to JJ’s through their website:

I LOVE Jimmy John's. I eat there about twice a week, every week. I'm pregnant now and every pregnant person knows that you can't eat lunch meat for fear of possible listeria contamination. It's the first thing they tell you not to eat on the CDC website - http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/pregnancy_gateway/infections-listeria.html/ (unless it is heated until steaming). Jimmy John's was literally one of my concerns at my first OB visit - "I can't eat lunch meat, but I LOVE Jimmy John's." My doctor said "just have them heat it up for you." Obviously my doctor knows nothing about Jimmy John's. It can't be freaky fast if people are taking time to toast sandwiches. 

Anyway - for the past six months I have been eating the Veggie with an occasional Tuna or BLT mixed in (as you're not really supposed to eat bacon either - nitrates, and I don't love Tuna). It's getting kind of old, especially since my favorite is the #2. 

Today we stopped at not my normal JJ's (normal is 4th street) and I thought - if they aren't busy, I'm going to go ahead and ask them if they can just make me a #2, but wrap the roast beef up separately so that I can heat the meat up when I get home. (Thinking about heating the whole sandwich - making HOT MAYO - makes me want to gag.) I walked in and there were two couples eating, nobody in line and nobody coming in behind me. I asked if they could keep the meat separate and they said no. I explained that I was pregnant and not supposed to eat lunchmeat unless it was heated first. A lovely blonde boy standing behind the cashier immediately piped up and said, "Let me go ask if we can do that." He went to the back, to I assume the manager, and came back and said they weren't allowed to. After some figuring between my husband, the blonde boy and myself, we settled on the roast beef with mayo packets - I heated up the sandwich when I got home, let it cool a little and then put the mayo on. It was good, but it would have been a ton better if the microwave hadn't made the lettuce limp and the tomatoes soggy on the bread. 

My point here is, SERIOUSLY??? Granted, while the chances are slim, eating lunch meat, as it is served in your restaurant, could kill my unborn baby. I am a totally loyal customer. I am obviously pregnant. I purposely waited to ask for this favor until I was showing so that they wouldn't think I was making up some strange story. It is pretty much unfathomable that a pregnant woman can go into your restaurant and explain a medical condition that prohibits her from eating your food, as it is - but still wants to buy it! - all she is asking for is to wrap a piece of the sandwich separately. And then is told no. That's not reasonable. 

I would love to tell you that I'm not going to eat at JJ's anymore, but that would be a lie. I love it too much. But I would really like for you, as a company, to reconsider some of these odd policies. This is not a strange condition that has been presented before you. Pregnancy is pretty darn common and I would think you would want to make your product accessible to as many people as possible. 

I was expecting a pretty quick response, but I had to submit the complaint four different ways before I heard something. This morning (five days later) I had an email from customer service saying they were sorry I had a bad experience and hoped I would give them another chance. AND THEN went on to tell me all the many reasons, in detail (including an entire paragraph each on #1 consistency, #2 speed, and #3 simplicity), why the manager was right for not giving me my meat on the side. She did say they “train our people to give the customer what they want the first time, then explain the menu for the next visit.” Really? So that’s the only place here that you have gone wrong, JJ’s? That he didn’t appease me once? She also noted that they would be sending a business coach over to that location to make sure that the manager’s approach is corrected. LAME! (I really wish I could copy her whole email here for you – it was ridiculous, but it had one of those stupid privacy notices at the bottom of it and that’s the last thing I need – Jimmy John’s contacting me to tell me take my blog post down AND that they hate Lady Baby DMX.)

Needing to have the last word, I wrote back (Please note she stated, under #3 simplicity, that it would be too much trouble to keep "appropriate containers" on hand to package ingredients separately and under #1 consistency she noted that it would confuse customers if one person took a sandwich back to their office with SPROUTS on the side of the sandwich - then the next person might also expect them on the side of the sandwich. Yeah. Okay, crazy lady. I'm really sure that would send people scratching their heads. They don't think anything about leaving off the tomatoes on Christopher's sandwich. So does that mean when Christopher takes his sandwich back to his office, his coworkers are confused when they order a sub and there are tomatoes on it? I think not.):

Hi Heather, 

Thank you for your response. So as I understand your email, you will be sending a business coach to that location to tell the manager that he should have appeased me once, while making it clear he wouldn't again? That seems like a bigger waste of your money than the $0.005 sheet of paper (ahem, I'm sorry - "appropriate container") it would have taken to wrap my roast beef separately. Please - save your paper money and your business coach money and just send him an email congratulating him on sticking to the "Consistency/Speed/Simplicity" motto.

Also amusing is your reference of sprouts - which you don't serve anymore after a salmonella incident. Jimmy John's dropped sprouts (a produce item with known increased salmonella risk), yet you are perfectly fine telling a pregnant person, essentially to eat it how it is or don't eat it at all. Who cares about listeria. Nice. 

How about training your owners and managers to have some compassion and use their best judgment in special circumstances? Thank goodness for the ADA - otherwise I'm sure you would be telling that blind person to tie their service dog up to the lamppost outside. It's cute - the sandwich makers might take time out of their sandwich making to look up at it, thus affecting the Speed component. And what if they got distracted by the dog and put the tomato on top of the meat instead of under it?? Now Speed AND Consistency are out the window! ACK!  

If you will now excuse me, I have a blog post to write. 

Ginger 

P.S. I will still eat Jimmy John's. It will be with disdain and contempt, but I will eat there. (The disdain and contempt will come ON THE SIDE because I can add those ingredients anywhere I want.)

And before any of you smarties out there tell me that JJ’s goes through their meat so quickly that it’s unlikely there would be a listeria contamination, let me mention – I get that. Totally get it, totally believe it. But how stupid and guilty would I feel if I we were wrong?? 

You know who loves the pregnant ladies? Firehouse Subs. They heat their meat until steaming. And everyone knows firemen save babies - not feed them listeria meat. PLUS! The Firehouse Subs here in Winston (on Stratford) has one of those fancy drink machines with PLENTY of caffeine free drink options! Everyone go show Firehouse Subs and their delicious steaming meat some love. (That’s what she said.) 

Lady Baby DMX, Good Morning America and Molly

Covering three topics here so settle in. First up, Lady Baby DMX. That’s the tiny person I am growing. We did find out that she’s a lady – I don’t know why anyone would want to be “surprised.” We were totally surprised when the ultrasound tech said, “It’s a girl!” And now I can buy dresses and pink things instead of overdosing on green and yellow.  

You may be wondering about the [nick]name. Well, it’s only from one of the best movies ever, Baby Mama. You can see the clip here:

A lot of stuff at work has been seriously making me go, “GRRRRRRR!” lately and I’m a little concerned that I might be passing the angry on to the baby. Thus, we got Baby DMX and then later, Lady Baby DMX. I think it's kind of catchy. 

Next up: Good Morning America. Ugh! It stinks! Well, what really stinks is the local morning programming. I used to look at people who watch Good Morning America (and quite frankly I still do) and think, “What is wrong with you??? How would you choose stinky CBS’s Good Morning America over the Today Show???” Well. Then the Today Show fired Ann Curry. I LOVE Ann Curry. So - much like when NBC gave Conan the boot, and much like when it came out what super slime Tiger Woods is, I put a ban on the Today Show. Christopher is really quite kind to [for the most part] abide by my Jay Leno and Tiger Woods bans. I thought I might have a little trouble with a Today Show ban, but I think he [in theory] supports the ban.

That fateful Thursday, I got online to figure out what channel CBS was so that I could turn our bedroom TV to Good Morning America in the morning. Then I realized Good Morning America is on ABC. Who knew? Then I figured out what channel ABC was. It’s been rough so far. ABC’s local programming is horrendous. It’s not even news. It’s a “business update” which resembles something a high school communications program would put together to proceed the Pledge of Allegiance each morning. I can barely tolerate it. I almost secretly, and without telling anyone, switched over to NBC this morning. But I didn’t. And I won’t…I don’t think.

Basically NBC has no soul and I hate that they have such fantastic primetime programming and legitimate morning news. I hate it in the same way I hate that Chic-fil-A doesn’t like gay people while at the same time having such fantastic chicken sandwiches and peach milkshakes. (I need to ban Chic-fil-A too. This has been a long-running dilemma for me. Christopher has already told me that he supports my individual ban, but could not participate himself due to the deliciousness. I get it.) Anyway, Ann Curry is awesometown. So what that the Today Show’s ratings dropped a little. I hardly think that was because of Ann Curry. Maybe it was because the Today Show is a little bit turning into Entertainment Tonight in the morning. A lot of people don’t like that.

While keeping a VERY close eye on this last week, I also learned that there have been a ton of rumors (which I somehow missed) that Matt Lauer and Natalie Morales had an affair a while ago…and that one of her kids might be Matt Lauer’s. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Ugh! Seriously? Why?

I unfollowed the Today Show, Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales on all my social media channels. Take that, Today Show. I still follow Al Roker. I like him a lot and I hope he doesn’t have stupid affairs with coworkers.

And finally, on to a sweeter, fluffier topic! Molly! A coworker of Christopher’s was going out of town and needed someone to watch her doggie, Molly. Christopher came home with her on Monday evening and she is precious! I went to the front door and there was a darling golden retriever sitting at the front door with a stuffed bunny in her mouth. She was so excited to meet new people and was so friendly.

Buster, Tuesday and Leroy were all on the stairs. Tuesday made herself scarce and fast. Buster puffed himself up real big and arched his back…but didn’t move. His eyes were HUGE. His eyes said “What the SHIT did you just DO?!?!?!” while also showing a sign of having just been betrayed on the deepest level. Leroy held his own.

Turns out that bunny you see in Molly’s mouth is actually a security bunny. Like a child has a security blanket, Molly has a security bunny. It’s kind of one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. She runs and gets it every time she leaves the house. She even takes it outside to pee. She squats and pees with a bunny in her mouth. Christopher tried to take her outside without it the other day and she was frantically trying to get to it. Once Christopher let go of her collar, she grabbed the bunny and was ready to go.

She LOVES attention much like Leroy, however, 75 pounds of attention needing is a lot different than five pounds of attention needing. I do super like her though! She does all these cute doggie things like laying her head on your lap when she wants to be pet and putting her paw up on you to remind you that she is there and nobody is scratching her noggin at the moment. Another super fun fact about Molly: she has a fantastic bladder! I love it! We leave the house and come back hours later and there are no puddles on the floor. What a novel idea. If only Leroy knew how easy it could be to stay out of his crate when we leave the house…