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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

UPDATE: Jimmy John’s Hates Unborn Babies AND Beautiful, Exotic Animals; Loves Mitt Romney

Wow guys. Just when I thought the Jimmy John’s sitch couldn’t get any worse…it did. Damn it. After posting the original “Jimmy John’s Hates Unborn Babies” blog post, I decided to do a little research. (Okay, okay. I was looking for other articles or posts in which I could share my blog post.) Anyway. I came across some very disturbing pictures of ol’ Jimmy John.

You all know how I pink puffy heart animals – of all kinds – as long as they have less than eight legs. Correction: as long as they have less than seven legs (after all – a seven-legged animal is just a spider that barely got away). You might think that with my love of animals I would HATE hunting. This is not true at all! I mean – I will never hunt. Ever. I would die inside. But I don’t think any less of other people for hunting. (As long as they use the meat they hunt.) In fact…when I really start to think about it – I probably like hunting more than grocery shopping. I shop at Whole Foods so I can buy “happy dead animals.” They totally get me with their “animal wellness rating.” I will TOTALLY spend $2 more per pound on the same damn meat if the animal was one number happier before it died. Marketing scam, you say? I don’t know. Maybe. I have done some research on it and I think it could be legit and it makes me feel better about me – so let me have it.

Anyway – back to the whole hunting thing. If I could think of the best way for my meat to die before I eat it, it would be roaming around in its happy natural habitat and then BAM! They don’t even know what hit them before they become dinner. It’s total sadsies, but so is the 85/15 ground beef you just bought at the grocery store.

So there you have it. I’m cool with hunting. I kind of hate the pictures I have seen of people standing over/sitting on their big catch or grasping antlers with a huge smile on their face. That seems a little perverse. And I don’t want you to share the deconstruction process with me on facebook. PLEASE do not do that shit. That’s just gross. But other than that…? I’m cool with hunting…within reason.

So - while learning a bit more about Jimmy John’s I came across these pictures. O.M.G. They took my breath away. He killed not one, but two elephants, a beautiful jaguar and a massive bear. (Also, from these pictures, I see that he gets his sandwiches with extra mayo.) And that’s just what’s shown on this site. I didn’t even think it was legal to hunt elephants! Killing these beautiful, exotic animals did him no good. He can’t use that meat. Perhaps local villagers will use it?? I don’t know. Perhaps. Regardless, I find shelling out probably thousands of dollars for the “fun” of killing something so beautiful to be sick. And where’s the “sport” in killing an elephant? A five year old could do that. It’s a MASSIVE beast that can’t move all that fast (much like Jimmy John, himself). 

Unsure about elephants? You have GOT to check out this report from Chelsea Clinton that was just on NBC Nightly News: Giving a Second Chance to Orphaned Elephants (grab tissues for 1:20 when I'm preeeetty sure that baby elephant kisses his dead mother). 

And on to the next topic…I’m sliding a wee bit into the political, which I don’t like to do. Too much of a touchy subject, but I’m going to go light on it (much like Jimmy John should do with the mayo).

I also learned that Jimmy John is a huge Mitt Romney supporter. Do with that what you will. I know plenty of people that plan to vote for him and that is super fantastic! That’s what America is about – vote for the person you find to be the best candidate. I will say though - most of the people I know voting for Mitt Romney are doing so simply because of that – they find him to be the best candidate. That is to say, better than the other candidate. I honestly didn’t think there were that many people out there all, “Daaaaaaymn! That Mitt Romney is the BOMB!” But I guess that’s how Jimmy John feels because he supports him monetarily and sandwichly.

Jimmy John's provides sandwiches for Mitt Romney’s staff while they are on the campaign trail. Think about this – Mitt Romney’s wife has spent approximately 200 weeks of her life NOT being able to eat Jimmy John’s (you know – had Jimmy John’s been around when she was preggers). That’s almost two years. What do you think about that, Mitt Romney? 

Oh, for crying out loud! While trying to find out how many daughters-in-law Mitt Romney has (so I could guesstimate how many months between them they wouldn't be able to eat Jimmy John's) I came across these pictures of his son and daughter-in-law dressed as Todd and Sarah Palin. I just need to close the computer before it gets worse. 


  1. dear lord, you've done it again haven't you!! off to update my underwear. yes, when i laugh a lot, i pee a little!

  2. A 7 legged animal is just a spider that got away... I'm still chuckling over that a day later. Which Wich is the way to go anyway - better sandwiches than JJ!

  3. Haha! I JUST had Which Wich again for lunch today! I had the BLT - add mayo and black olives - tasty! I also tried one of their peanut butter cookies and it was delightful. I am having a little bit of sandwich remorse though - I feel like I should have gotten the Elvis Wich in honor of Elvis today...

    And speaking of spiders...I remember not one, but TWO spider incidents in our apartment that still strongly stick with me today.

    #1 - I was home alone and there was a spider. A big one - obviously - because those apartments grew their spiders big. I didn't know what to do and got a phone book (incidentally, I bet college students don't have phone books anymore). My plan was to throw it at the spider. While I was sure I could hit the spider, I was really worried that the angle would be off or he would slip out from under the side. So I lined one side of the phone book with packing tape - you know - rolled so that it stuck to the phone book and also was sticky on the outside - so that even if it wasn't a direct blow, hopefully the spider would stick to the book and still be killed....somehow. THEN I threw the book. He died. And stuck to the book.

    #2 - One evening I turned the shower on, took off my clothes, got in the shower, looked down, screamed, flew out of the shower, grabbed a towel. It was almost like Arachniphobia only the spider was chilling out near the drain instead of on the shower head. By the time I covered up and ran out of the bathroom Derek was standing outside the door and simply said, "where is it?" Thank you, Derek! Showers there were never really relaxing again. I was constantly making sure nothing was crawling out of the drain.